• Isha Ashley Knight

Why I Won't Let Anxiety Win

Updated: Nov 26, 2019

Be YOU again!” 

“Enjoy the freedom!” 

“You will love being back!”

Are these statements tormenting you too?

You are not alone.

As a first time mum, returning to work terrified me. How could something once so empowering, turn into something so frightening? How would I find my rhythm as a mother, partner, daughter, friend, home keeper, employee? Will I have to accept that one will have no balance at all?

With these questions running through my mind SIX months before I even had to return to work, I convinced myself that I would in fact have a breakdown and no longer be able to work. My life pre Aurora already felt so hectic. I couldn’t possibly cope with more.

Exploring options available to me such as child-care and Flexi hours should have calmed my anxious mind. Instead, they left me feeling even more confused, upset and overwhelmed. Where was my inner fighter? The woman who would push through riddles of anxiety no matter what it took. I missed her. I needed her back.

Thanks to very honest conversations with my best friend, I was able to recognize that my anxiety was the cause of all my fear. It was not my job, my working hours, my travel time, my chosen childcare, my sleepless nights… it was me and how I began to react to situations.

Without a doubt, all of the above hindered me and caused havoc in my mind. Juggling all of these things would in fact be tough. But… when you add an entire pie of anxiety to the mix rather than a small healthy slice as you usually would for anything new, I exhausted myself from just the thought of my new life. This exhaustion and unsettled emotion was enough to convince myself that I would not cope.

Three weeks into my “new routine” and yet again I feel as though I am a different woman. I am a woman from the past - with the same fashion sense, the same laugh, the same heart but I am also a woman from another land. I have travelled to the mysterious place where babies, mothers, fathers and life are born.

It just so happens it took me to return to work, to recognize what power I truly hold within. If I can give birth and juggle life with a running 1 year old… I can handle anything. Anxiety and all… but it will not run my life for me any longer.

You will find your way too, Mama. Just believe in you.