I think, that it is true, the older you grow, the more confident you become in who you are.
My feelings of self love have risen over the years and I cannot express how freeing this is.
I can finally look at the girl in this image and say “well that’s not how I look everyday, but she’s beautiful!”
As a child, I belonged to a very extravagant acting and modeling school in LA. Needless to say, this tormented the mind. Being praised during castings, to be turned down afterwards, was confusing and humiliating.
When they go well… your confidence is however through the roof.
“We want you!” gives no better feeling.
Whether those words are coming from a future employee or a potential boyfriend, being wanted is beyond flattering.
When my family moved back to the UK, the days of wanting to be on screen were over.
Life happened, much of which was chaos and trauma so there was no time to even think about this part of my life.
Eventually, things began to calm over and my interest for being in front of the screen started to creep up again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to act, model, sing or write. I just knew I had this creativity inside of me, that was exploding and needing to be expressed.
Then, all of a sudden, in the midst of my early 20’s I was randomly approached by a very close friend who asked me to model for a catalogue they was working on.
Of course, I said yes. Though, it sounds fantastic, it wasn’t so easy for me. I tormented myself for hours day and night about how my physical appearance, just wasn’t good enough. Why did she ask me? Just because she knew me? I was easy to scope?
None of these questions mattered. The truth was, she asked me because she knew I was a creative just like her. She knew, I would immerse myself into the project, with ideas and create life for the images. My face in terms of beauty was irrelevant. What did it matter if half of the people viewing this catalogue thought I was beautiful or not? I wasn’t modeling for a dating app, whereby I was looking for a partner!
Since then, I have worked hard on showing myself more love and affection. Graciousness for all that I am, even when I have fcuked up BIG time or pulled a very unflattering pose on set.
We are all human, with different expectations of what beauty looks and feels like. If we can learn to embrace that beauty is not only physical we will learn to love whom we are with much less torment.
Saying yes to Kerry over at Blue Vanilla Beauty for a portfolio shoot last week was exactly what I needed to show myself how much I have grown. Much of my humility towards myself, comes from my daughter, because she has made me appreciate the female body more than anyone else including myself ever could.
It is so necessary to shower yourself with the love you show others, because often you are your hardest critic. Believe me, I’ve been there.
Make-up by Kerry Blue Vanilla Beauty
Hair by Jules https://www.instagram.com/notanotherstylist/
Hair Accessories by https://www.ashleywildbridal.co.uk
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